How to communicate effectively when disagreements arise

Hi everyone! This is Erika from Japan. I just wanted to let you know about a valuable lesson I learned in my communication class. I feel like this year has been such a stressful time for everyone, and thus automatically tension arises from each other. Maybe more than usual. 

In my communication class, we talked about the different types of conflict styles. Knowing these different types really helped me objectively view my attitudes towards people and manage my temperature when I was frustrated.

The concept we learned was Hammer’s intercultural conflict style. According to Hammer, there are four different types of conflict styles; discussion, engagement, accommodation, and dynamic style (2005).

Here is a graph that explains the characteristics of each graph. 

 

What do these styles sound like? Let’s take the situation of when your roommate does not do their own dishes for days as an example. 

The discussion style is when someone is direct and holds back their emotions. This could sound like “Hey, I think we made a rule to wash our own dishes within a day, so can you do yours soon?” or “You might want to wash your dishes soon because it is starting to smell.” Here you can see how the person is getting the message directly out there without getting emotional. The advantages of this style are that it is easy to understand their messages because it is very logical and direct but in a calm way. However, there can be situations where people using the discussion style are not able to read between the lines because they are used to direct communication or where they are not good with emotional situations, so could result in getting others frustrated. 

The engagement style is when someone is direct and emotional. People using this style might say, “Why are you not washing your dishes?” or “How can washing your dishes be so difficult?” The advantages of this style are that it is easy to know what is on their mind and how they are feeling, so people do not have to be in a situation where they are unclear about what they want and get irritated by that. On the other hand, the engagement style can be seen as rude or inconsiderate by other people. 

The accommodation style is when people are indirect and holding back their emotions. They could sound like “Hey, I washed my dishes!” or “do you have any chores today?” They are indirectly trying to bring up the conversation of washing dishes. The advantage could be that it is a nice and pleasant way to deliver uncomfortable messages. It does sound the most peaceful. However, it is not effective unless they realize the underlying message that the person is trying to convey. People might feel like accommodation styles are beating around the bush too much and want them to get to the point. 

Last but not least, the dynamic style is when the person is indirect but emotional. Interacting with a third person could also be classified as the dynamic style. For example, people with this style might sigh and do the dishes right in front of them, or talk to their other housemates about the issue. The advantage of this style is that there is no need for direct confrontation, so if the conflict might resolve without a heated argument. However, it might seem too emotional or absurd to some people that they would rather have people directly tell them the problem. 

I am sure that all of you have experienced using these styles or have had others talk to you in each style. The important thing to know is that each style has its own advantages and disadvantages. So, when in a disagreement or conflict, it is important to take a step back and realize what your style is and the other’s style is, and if you can change your style for a better outcome, you might be able to improve your relationship. Moreover, if you feel like the argument is heating up more than you think it needs to, it might be because your conflict styles are different.

For example, if people who have a direct style argue with indirect styles, there might be the argument of “you are too direct! Why do you have to say that” vs “can you be more direct? I don’t understand what you want me to do.” When people with an emotional style argue with people who restrain their emotions, there could be arguments such as “can you please calm down?” “don’t tell me to calm down!” Notice that these conflicts are about different styles rather than the underlying problem that started the conflict in the first place. That is why if you know these differences in conflict style, you can manage your own so you can solve the original problem rather than arguing about the difference between styles. 

I know this is a tough and stressful time, but let's make our arguments as manageable as possible to help yourself and the people around you :)