How Staying in the U.S was the Best/Worst Decision I made During the Pandemic

 

São Paulo, Brazil - Writing from Isla Vista

Back when the pandemic shut down our campus at the end of last winter quarter, all I could think of was how this inconvenienced my plans of taking a road trip with my boyfriend, of how I wouldn't be able to go to parties, see my friends, and enjoy campus life in general. Instead of going back to my home country of Brazil, I decided to go live with my dad in Boston in the hopes that things would go back to normal over summer break. I was scared to leave the country and not be able to return because of the border shutting down, and miss the magical moment when in-person classes would resume.

Summer came, and once more the expected dates for our campus to reopen were pushed back. I had sub-leased this really nice room at a house in Del Playa and was really excited to go back and enjoy my summer break, taking classes, and enjoying the beach in my free time. The pandemic still hadn't materialized into a real issue in my brain; even though I watched the news, no one I knew had had it, so it was still a distant reality. Once more, I looked forward to the Fall, where I was oh-so-sure we would finally resume in-person classes.

Fall came, and for the third time the expected date for in-person classes to resume was pushed back. At that point, I had become increasingly frustrated and was becoming depressed. While I was fortunately living with my father, the toll of being stuck in a house that I didn't feel like I belonged in, in a state I barely knew and unable to see any of my family members began to drag me down. It was at this point that I began to immensely regret my decision of staying in the US instead of just going back home like all of my other international friends did. 

Around this time, my mom contracted the coronavirus. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I was thousands of miles away from home, was being bombarded daily by news of people dying because they had COVID, and all I could think of was that if anything happened to my mom, that meant I would never be able to see her, hug her, tell her how much I loved her and missed her, or even just say goodbye. The reality that I hadn't seen my mom in over a year struck hard. The pandemic became very real to me in that moment, and not simply an abstract event happening around me. 

Luckily, my family was very fortunate, and my mom had a speedy recovery with no serious complications - although she has yet to recover her sense of taste. But the feeling of a gaping hole in my chest has yet to leave me. I live in constant fear of not being able to see one of my family members again. Spending both Christmas and New Year's eve without my family was extremely painful for me, and made me yearn for this summer to come sooner, when I know I'll be able to go back home to be with them. 

However sad my story may seem, I try to keep in mind the positive side of it. If I hadn't stayed in the US, my father would've had to be all alone here for months. By staying here, I had the opportunity to spend quality time with him, to enjoy and cherish each of our moments together. As my mom puts it, there will likely never be another moment in my life where it will just be me and him together ever again. It's truly what motivated me and kept me going. I hope my story can inspire students in a similar position to look outwards instead of inwards - instead of focusing on the things that bring you instant gratification like a road trip, the small luxuries of campus life, or whatever may be, focus on what truly matters to you, be that your family, or something else entirely. Regardless of your choices, you shouldn't wallow in regret, or in thoughts of what could've been; you can always find a silver lining and focus on your true values to gain something from your experiences.